siansation-nation

277

2010-11-06T10:09:00.002+08:00

What happened this pass few days...
My first uncle passed away.
Was at his funeral from Saturday till Tuesday.
He passed away when he was admitted to the hospital on Friday night.
This post is dedicated to my first uncle,
In memorial of him.
First uncle,
May you rest in peace and cross over swiftly.

276

2010-10-25T10:54:00.002+08:00

19th October 2010 ♥
The day when she became mine.
The day that started a new chapter in my life.
The day that has given me someone special that I can love.
Someone special for me to say those three words to.
Someone whom I will love with all my heart.
Someone whom I will protect.
Whom I will risk everything for.
Whom I will never go against.
For you are the one that has brightened up my life.
The one that was by my side when I needed someone.
And the one I will never want to let go off.

Zuki Chan Ruo Heng, I love you.

275

2010-10-19T08:31:00.002+08:00

Okay I think it's time to update!
Latest happenings,
Nothing much...
As usual.
My life is just too boring.
What do I do everyday?
Wake up, use computer, prepare, go out, come back, use computer and finally! Go sleep...
Interesting isn't it?
This is the kind of lifestyle I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE!
This is really no life man!

Don't know if you will ever read my blog or not.
But just incase you do, the end of every posts will be the part where I say out everything I feel.
And now, I am really happy.
Happy that you gave me a chance.
Happy that there was actually someone out there who would like me.
Someone who is willing to wait for me for the first time.
Someone who does not need any sweet talking, cause I suck at it.
Someone who even though I don't know that well yet made me fall so deeply in love with.
Someone very special and important to me.
Someone who I am willing to sacrifice anything for, err... Well, almost anything =X
Someone who I can say I love you to.

274

2010-10-09T21:15:00.002+08:00

How long has it been since I last updated?
Who knows...
Can't really be bothered to keep track either hahas.
Well...
My holidays are coming to an end soon...
This would also be the start of a horrible nightmare.
Don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with it.
Anyways.
One of the good news is that I am already halfway done with my motor licence!
Estimated time of getting my licence would be early next year.
Hopefully before my 19th birthday.
Now that I think of it, I would really love to recieve a motorbike for my 19th birthday.
Now that would be the best present I could ever get.
Hahas...
But there's most likely no way that would happen...

All of a sudden, a sudden rush of saddness.
A sudden feeling of dispair.
A feeling that I've not felt in a really long time.
Why I wonder...
But maybe I already know the answer...
And yet maybe not...

273

2010-09-16T01:38:00.002+08:00

Wow...
Been ages since I last updated.
One of the main reasons is that I am too lazy.
Another reason was because I had some internet issues lately.
But mainly is because I'm just too lazy hahas.
Well.
Nothing much happened.
Had my internet fixed.
Found a job.
Lost my wallet.
Well.
Just about your average everyday activities.
=X
Hahas.
Nothing much to update about...
Updating for the sake of updating...

Life is just too boring.
Nothing much to do.
At least for now...
I think...
Lols...

Alright.
Gonna end here.
Will update some other time ( I hope )
=X

272

2010-08-13T21:53:00.001+08:00

Been a long time since I updated...
Reason is simple...
I'm getting too lazy to update hahas.
Since no one really reads my blog anyways so yea.
Can't really be bothered to update too.
Hahas.
What's the use of updating something online when no one is around to see it?
It totally makes no sense xD
Don't even know why I even created a blog.
Guess I was too bored back then.
Too much time to spare.
Hahas.
Well.
Nothing much happening lately.
It's either I'm out.
Or I just rot at home.
Nothing really special going on.
Haiz.
My life is totally boring...

271

2010-07-26T13:44:00.002+08:00

Man...
Been ages since I last updated my blog.
Been either too busy, too tired, or too lazy to update hahas xD
Well...
Nothing much to update also.
Just gotta say that I think I am so dead.
School's like totally crap man.
Have not been going to school regularly.
Have not been attending the lessons which I need to.
Feel like I am so gonna drop out...
FML~

269

2010-06-22T21:22:00.001+08:00

Well well well.
Been yet another long period of time where I haven't updated my blog.
Got some good news to share =)
Starting from tomorrow, I only need to report once a week!
Woohoo!
No more twice a week!
Seriously...
The reporting is such a waste of time...
Go to CNB for like 5 mins then go off...
Totally wtf?!
Hahas.
Well.
At least now I only have to do it once a week.
One year please pass by faster!
Hahas =)

268

2010-06-14T03:59:00.003+08:00

Been such a long time since I posted.
Been doing nothing much but stay at home and play game lols.
Nothing much to say too.
Just updating to keep blog alive hahas.
Work load starting to pile up.
Gotta clear them before school starts.
OMG man.
It's like almost impossible!
And oh yea.
Finished my theories 1, 2, 3 and 4!
Yea man!
Now all that's left is my practicals and theory test.
Gotta finish it fast!
So I can start riding my motor hahas!
Well.
Guess that's all for today.
Will update again when I have the time hahas =)

267

2010-05-25T21:50:00.001+08:00

Woo hoo!!!
Finally cleared my god damn fine!
One less thing to worry about.
But then...
Two more new things were added to the list.
Gotta save $100 for my motor class and $50 to return to Bernie.
Sian.
Just when I thought I could feel less stress...
Haiz...

266

2010-05-22T01:46:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since I blogged.
Been too lazy to blog hahas.
Well, today I went out with ASYL and her friend.
Met at tampines interchange.
Went to CS.
Then went to inter mac(The bigger one) cus SOMEONE was hungry.
After that went back to CS arcade to play Jubeat.
On the way to the arcade, remembered that my Jubeat card was not with me.
So ended up playing without the damn card.
Didn't get to play the songs I wanted, but oh well~
Still got to play Jubeat after a long time lols.
After that went to Bugis for shesha xD.
Spend quite a lump sum of time and cash there.
Then went to Iluma(Donno how to spell...).
Walked around, got bored, and left the place =)
Had dinner at Burger King.
After meal had stomachache...
Damn jia lat...
Searched the whole of Bugis junction for toilet LOLS!
Took MRT to Eunos.
Took bus 60 to ASYL's house.
Changed bus from bus 60 to bus 5.
Took bus 5 all the way to Bedok Reservoir.
Went to the platform where I started to relax a little and also started to think.

Thought about lots of things.
But mainly stupid stuff hahas.
Thought of lots of 'What ifs'
And what things would have turned out if I did things differently.
For once in my life, was so glad to have my mother smsed me to sort of scold me.
It made me feel less alone.
Less unwanted in a way.
It's been a long time since I felt so good to be scolded/reprimanded.

How great would it be if things weren't how it was now.
Maybe then I would be able to tell you what I have longed to say.
Maybe then would I be able to face you without hiding how I truely feel...

265

2010-05-13T00:28:00.007+08:00

Man.

From such a hot weather, turned into such a cold one.

Was like so god damn sunny in the morning.

And all of a sudden, a huge downpour at night.

And the worst thing was I had to go home all wet.

Screw the rain.

So gonna become sicker at this rate.

Supposed to go school today.

But didn't as I was sick.

Flu, cough, and more cough.

Been like this for the past two or three weeks.

Feeling god damn terrible.

Man.

So wanna recover soon.

It is like so irritating being sick.

Really hate seeing you this way.

Always being caught up with problems that are caused that dimwits.

Always being affected by idiots.

Always getting upset/depressed/hurt/gloomy over dummies who will never ever learn anything even if they tried.

Why bother?

That faggot wanna be like this, so be it.

Let that clown do what a clown does best.

Let that huge pain learn that without that pain in the ass, you will still be you.

Don't let a moron affect you.

It is like so not worth it.

Though I know it's tough.

Nothing is impossible.

When there's a will, there's a way.

Believe in yourself.

Choose a choice.

And always remember to stick to it.

Don't falter.

And never give in.

You are never alone.

Your friends will always be there to support you.

Always be there to listen to you.

Always be there to care for you.

Always be there to show that they love you just as much, or even much more then anyone else would.

For love through friendship will never be lost.

264

2010-05-10T22:16:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since I blogged.
Well.
Nothing much happened.
Only thing that happened was that I fell sick.
So god damn sick.
Cough and flu.
Worst combination man.
Been such a torture.
Felt like dying over and over again.
Man.
This sucks.
Tomorrow gotta go down to HQ.
Man.
Life sucks.
FML!!!

Everything is falling apart.
And yet I am doing nothing to stop it.
I really wonder why.

263

2010-04-29T00:58:00.002+08:00

Every time when I think about it, the more I find that it was all my fault.
The more I try to figure out why it all happened, the more confused I get.
But one thing is for sure.
If only I had not done what I had done that day.
Maybe all of these would not be happening.
If only I did not open my big mouth and invited him to come along with me.
Then maybe things would have turned out better.
If only I could foresee what might have happened, I swear I would never had done it.
What hurts the most is seeing people all around me giving off either an angry feeling or a sad feeling.
It really makes me feel so useless.
Makes me feel like there is nothing I can do to solve all these problems.
And that really makes me feel very insignificant.

Xiao mei, here is your promised post =)
Not too sure about what to write too.
So I'll just give you some advice.
Learn to loosen up.
You are now in poly, not JC anymore.
Learn to have fun.
Learn to be happy.
Learn to just go with the flow.
And most importantly, learn to befriend others regardless or age.
Once you are able to do all that, you won't feel so left out.
Won't feel like you are different.
And also do not make the same mistake that I did.
I did not realized how important it is to be bonded to my class.
And now I guess I am regretting it.
For in poly, classmates are one of the most important friends that you have.
Without them, I can tell you.
You are a goner.
Classmates in poly aren't just for you to talk to in school.
They are so much more then that.
They are the ones who will help you out when you are in need.
They are the ones who will be with you for the next three years in your school life.
So do not outcast yourself, or let yourself be boycotted.
You will totally regret it.

Well.
No use thinking too much about what is already done.
Since there is no way to reverse it.
Just gotta learn to let go of these feelings that I have.
Just gotta learn to forgive myself for what I have done.
I really hate life...
Always doing things without thinking.
Always making mistakes.
Always hurting others without realizing.
And yet...
Sometimes I wonder.
Would things be better without me?

262

2010-04-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

Went out for Karaoke today.
Had loads of fun.
But ended up feeling very shagged.
For some reason, both my legs suddenly felt so damn weak.
Every step I take, though it did not hurt, felt really weird.
It felt as though both my legs are not there.
And apparently, only my lower legs were affected.
Maybe it's caused by me not eating.
Or maybe it's not.
Really do not know the cause of this phenomenal.
Well, went home way earlier then expected.
Really not used to it.
Well, might be resting early today.
So for today that's about it.

P.S: Paiseh mei. Today no time to put up your post. Sorry. Another time bahs.

261

2010-04-19T16:30:00.002+08:00

Man...
Got a totally new haircut yesterday...
All my hair is gone...
OMG man...
Damn shag...
Went with Freston and Daemian to Elias Mall to cut hair...
Actually only wan shape...
End up kena Psycho to cut...
Behind Overlap V...
In front Malet (Donno how to spell xD)
Top so damn short...
Haiz...
Gone...
ALL GONE!!!
Well...
Too late for regrets liao...
Gotta live with it...

Today marks the start of the new semester...
And also more new faces in school...
As the new batch of year ones are in...
Managed to see some of my juniors in school today Hahas...
Shiok sia...
xD
Also lots of pretty people =X
Wahahahaha!!!
Jokes...
Shall upload my new haircut when I'm feeling less lazy xD
So till next time =)

260

2010-04-17T01:48:00.002+08:00

Why does my heart ache from time to time...
And no...
It is not because of the old problem...
Apparently it is cause of a new one...
Which I myself ain't too sure of what it is...
Why does it hurt so much all over again...
When I am right there...
Right in front of you...
And yet...
I am transparent...

One problem after another...
Really can't take it...
One heartache after another...
Really feel like dying...
One mistake after another...
Really wished that all could be undone...
And one person after another...
Really don't wanna feel hurt again...

Will you be able to let everything go?
Will you be able to forget the past?
Will you be able to forgive the unforgiven?
Will you be able to...

259

2010-04-11T02:35:00.002+08:00

Firstly... Happy birthday Carmen xD
Sixteen liaos...
Must wisen up hors xD
Don't do stupid stuff and get into trouble hors...
And must stay happy =)

Suppose to ton today...
But in the end...
Never...
Suppose to drink today...
But also...
Ended up not drinking...
Sad sia...
Haiz...
Why...
Why must like that...
Super OMG man...
So damn shag...

258

2010-04-06T01:03:00.002+08:00

Been so long since I had this much fun...
So much have happened...
Some good...
Some bad...
But mostly good...
I think =X
Well...
Firstly...
I FINALLY GOT AN ITOUCH!!!
YEA MAN!!!
It's like so cool!!!
Wahahahahahahas~
Another thing is that I guess I am already moving on...
Already able to accept the facts...
Already leaving the past behind...
And now it is time to move on...

Since it is already past 12am...
This means that it is already the next day...
And hence...
It means that I had a really fun day yesterday =D
Never expected that it would be this fun =)
Did lots of random things...
And lots of unexpected things...
Went to arcade...
Went to buy movie tickets...
Then went back to arcade again hahas...
Followed by watching the movie...
The show was 'Clash Of The Titans'
The movie part was really last minute...
Just suddenly felt like watching movie hahas =D
Well...
Going off soon...
Bye byes =)
And thank you very much for making yesterday really great =)

257

2010-03-31T16:47:00.002+08:00

Hahas...
Last night was a joke...
My brother told me what happened when I was asleep last night...
And this was how it went...

*Cedric raise his hands and moving them in circles and made some noise*
*Brother wakes up*
Brother: Cedric... Cedric... Cedric...
Cedric: Huh?
Brother: What you doing?
Cedric: Da jiao che (Said very softly and unclearly)
Brother: Huh?
Cedric: Da jiao che (Sightly louder but still unclear)
Brother: Huh?
Cedric: Da jiao che!!! (Slightly louder then previous two but still slightly unclear)
Brother: Doing what?
Cedric Riding bicycle!
Brother: Then who are you?
Cedric: Cedric Siah...
Brother: Then who am I?
Cedric: Your mother...
Brother: Fuck you... (Goes back to sleep)

*After awhile*
Brother: Cedric
Cedric: (No reply)
Brother: (Goes back to sleep)

LOLs...
Joke sia...
Best thing was...
I DIDN'T KNOW I SAID THOSE!!!
WAHAHAHAHA...
Jia lat liao sia...
Hope next time won't sleep walk...
If not lagi more jia lat...
Hahas...

256

2010-03-25T18:36:00.002+08:00

All the best...
And good luck...
Last long...
And stay happy...
These are my final wishes for you...
No matter what happens...
I will always be here for you when you need me...
I will always be here to give you a listening ear when you need it...
And will always be waiting...

255

2010-03-24T14:10:00.002+08:00

Wahahahaha...
Did the world's most unpredictable thing...
Connect back with my long lost friends!!!
OMG!!!
Wahahaha...
Quite fun sia...
Lmaos =.=
I am so losing it xD
Too damn happy that the other person replied me...
Wahahaha
OMG...
Ok...
I think I'll stop here...
Before I start spamming how crazy and happy I am now =X

254

2010-03-23T23:08:00.002+08:00

Wo ke yi ren shou ni bu yao sms wo...
Wo ke yi ren shou ni bu yao da gei wo...
Dan bu neng ren shou ni duai wo hen leng tai...
Hahas... xD
I am so lame...
Bored to this extent...
OMG...
Really wonder why I think so much...
Wondering why did you change so much...
Or maybe it was I who changed...
Changed into someone who you no longer recognize...
Someone who you now see in a different light...
Someone who will never be able to make you happy anymore...
Someone who is so stupid...
Someone like me...

253

2010-03-21T03:17:00.002+08:00

The way I am now is all caused by me...
Solely me and no one else...
I am the one at fault here...
I chose to be this way...
I chose to love you...
And if I am feeling depressed...
You are not at fault...
For it is I who chose to love you...
Someone who will never be able to love me back...
Someone who will choose someone else over me...
Someone who I will never forget...
Someone who I will love without any regrets or demands...
Someone who I will want to always stay happy...
Even at the cost of me being unhappy...
If you are happier being with someone else...
Then so be it...
If you are happy...
I will be happy for you...

252

2010-03-19T10:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes taking a step back will result in peace...
This is a fact that I have known for a long time...
And have always been doing it...
It's also known as giving in...
But for certain things...
Once you give in...
It means you have lost it...
I duwana lose anything...
But I don't think I have a choice anymore...
So I guess this is it then...
Good bye...

How I hoped for...
Hoped for wishes to come true...
Hoped for the impossible to become possible...
Hoped to be able to hear your voice...
Feel your touch...
Feel your warmth...
And for you to see that I'm always here when you need me...

251

2010-03-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

Wedding Dress
Korean translation
nega geuwa datugo ttaeron geuttaeme ulgo
himdeureo hal ttaemyeon nan huimangeul neukkigo
amudo moreuge mam a a apeugo
ne jageun misomyeon tto damdamhaejigo
nega hoksina nae maeumeul alge doelkkabwa
arabeorimyeon uri meoreojige doelkkabwa
nan sumeul jugyeo
tto ipsureul kkaemureo
jebal geureul tteona naege ogil
Baby jebal geuui soneul japjima
Cuz you should be my lady
oraen sigan gidaryeoon nal dorabwajwo
noraega ullimyeon ije neoneun geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo
oneuri ojiankireul geureoke na maeilbam gidohaenneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
(Girl)nega ibeun wedingdeureseu(naega anijanha)
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
oh nega ibeun wedingdeureseu oh no
nae mameul mollajwotdeon
nega neomu miwoseo
gakkeumeun nega bulhaenghagil nan baraesseo
imi nae nunmureun da ma ma mareugo
beoreutcheoreom honja neoege malhago

maeil bam geureoke buranhaetdeongeol bomyeon nan
ireoke doelkkeoran geon aranneunjido molla
nan nuneul gamakkeuchi eomneun kkumeul kkwo
jebal geureul tteona naege ogil
Baby jebal geuui soneul japjima
Cuz you should be my lady
oraen sigan gidaryeoon nal dorabwajwo

noraega ullimyeon ije neoneun geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo
oneuri ojiankireul geureoke na maeilbam gidohaenneunde

nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
(Girl)nega ibeun wedingdeureseu(naega anijanha)
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
oh nega ibeun wedingdeureseu oh no

budi geuwa haengbokhae
neoreul ijeul su itge
nae chorahaetdeon moseupdeureun da ijeojwo
birok handonganeun na jugeul mankeum himi deulgetjiman no oh

neomu oraen siganeul chakgak soge hollo babocheoreom saratjyo
ajikdo nae geunyeoneun nalbogo sae hayake utgoinneunde
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
oh no(Girl)nega ibeun wedingdeureseu(dress dress)
nega ibeun wedingdeureseu
oh nega ibeun wedingdeureseu oh no

English Translation
I would argue
Then you would cry
As you’re struggling, I would only get stronger
My heartaches behind these shadows
My face brightens up as I see your smile
I worry that you might notice my feelings
And I get scared that the gap between us would widen
I hold my breath
Then I bite my lips
Then I pray that she would leave his side

Baby, please don’t hold those hands
Cuz you should be my Lady
Please look at me, I’ve been waiting all this time.
Once the music ends,you’ll be with him forever
I prayed and prayed that this day wouldn’t come

The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore

Oh~ no

You, who never understood my feelings
Because of that, I ended up despising you
Then I wished a misfortune upon you
But now, my eyes are dry
Now I am talking to myself, it must be an old habbit
Every night, I would look at myself
And wonder how it turned out like this
Then I dream an endless dream
Then I pray she would leave him

Baby, please don’t hold those hands
Cuz you should be my Lady
Please look at me, I’ve been waiting all this time.
Once the music ends you’ll be with him forever
I prayed and prayed that this day wouldn’t come

The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore

Oh~ no

By all means, be happy with him
So I can move on
Please erase me out of your heart
Although I tried my best but, no oh~

Once the music ends you’ll be with him forever
I prayed and prayed that this day wouldn’t come
I’ve been living the lies for too long
Yet, she would look at me and smile.

The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore
The wedding dress you once wore

250

2010-03-13T22:51:00.002+08:00

Made too many mistakes in the past...
And now it's time to make up for all of them...
But how...
One problem appears after another...
When one is solved, another is created...
Just when will it all stop...
Haiz...
And now I'm being locked up at home...
And it's driving me nuts...
Unable to leave the house...
Unable to meet my friends...
And the worst is not being able to see her...
It's really drive me up the wall...
Might end up in IMH soon...
Haiz...

249

2010-03-07T14:38:00.002+08:00

Today is the day where she left for Malaysia...
Gonna miss her...
Didn't get to see her for long yesterday...
Cause she said she had tuition...
And also because she did not reply my smses...
And that made me think that she doesn't want to talk or see me yesterday...
That really had a huge impact on me...
Because she met up with others that day...
Though I guess it was not her idea...
Well...
Who cares...
She is free to do what she wants...
I can't stop her...
For she is not mine...
So no point being upset over it...
Finally learning how to accept things as they are...

248

2010-03-06T10:32:00.002+08:00

Everyone has their own problems...
Problems that only they can solve...
They can seek help from others...
But ultimately...
They are the only ones who can solve it...
And no one else can...
Others can only give advices or guide them...
But they cannot solve the problem for you...
Why do I know all these...
But can't execute them...
Like they say...
It is easier said then done...

Why is loving someone so difficult...
Why is it so painful...
Always thinking of you...
Missing you...
But when I tell you I miss you...
You retaliate with I don't like people to say all these to me...
Now when I try to get near you...
You either push me away or avoid me...
Back in the past you would not have mind...
But now...
It really makes me confused...
Feeling so lost now...
Don't know what to do anymore...
But I still know one thing...
I still love you...

2nd march

2010-03-02T23:44:00.002+08:00

Today, the 2nd of march...
The day that I was born...
Also known as...
My birthday xD...
Hahas...
Well...
Dint really enjoyed the first part of the day...
For it felt like I was really wasting a lot of time...
And also due to the freaking hot weather...
Damn the Singapore weather...
But later in the day...
Had much more fun...
Had dinner with my Father...
And went drinking at a nearby pub...
Since my mood wasn't really that good...
Drank quite a handful...
Though I'm not drunk yet...
Feeling super tired...
So gonna go to sleep soon...
Nites...

246

2010-02-27T13:39:00.003+08:00

Really had a great time yesterday...

The second time that I celebrated my birthday with my friends...
First time was last year at Changi airport...
Second time was yesterday...
Went to sing karaoke in the afternoob till 7pm...
After that went over to Tampines...
Later got a surprise at Tampines One...
Birthday bash...
Cake in face...
Man...
Really rough birthday surprise hahas...
But really enjoyed it...
Made three wishes...
And two must be said out...
So here are the first two wishes...
1) Wish that everyone would stay happy together forever...
2)Wish that I would be .... by ......
And the third one...
Well...
I can't say that out =)
Hahas...

245

2010-02-23T09:59:00.004+08:00

Well...
Lots happened in the past 2 days...
Was sent to stay with my father...
So currently staying over at my father's place...
For some reason...
I find that it is like a holiday to me...
Hahas...
Maybe it's cause I have never stayed with my father before...
Well...
Seems to me that maybe staying with my father would be much better then staying with my mother...
But who knows...
Maybe after awhile I might change my mind again...
Hahas...

As time passes...
People change...
Change to become people I do not reognize anymore...
Change in ways I never thought would happen...
The one thing I hold most dear to me has changed...
And soon I might lose it...
For it is not because I does not treasure it...
It is the thing itself that does not want to stay anymore...

244

2010-02-20T10:23:00.002+08:00

For the past few days, have been having sleeping problems...
It's either being unable to sleep...
If not only sleeping for about 3 hours...
And I can feel that I might not be able to take all these stresses any longer...
On the verge of losing my mind...
Losing everything that I hold precious to me...
Losing my sanity...
Losing my hopes...
And losing sight of the paths ahead of me...

It is almost a week...
And during this time...
I'm feeling so lonely...
Feeling like no one is there...
Feeling that you already do not care about me...
Feeling that you do not need me anymore...
I really hope that all of these feelings of mine are wrong...
But apparently they seem to be correct...
Have not recieved any phonecalls from you at all...
And I know that without your phone you can't sms...
But why can't you at least call?
The reason why I did not call you is because I dare not call your house...
Not because I don't want to...
And also because you said you wanted freedom...
Another reason why I did not call is because I was told that you are really stressed out...
And I did not want to add on the those stresses that you already have...
I know that if you had not known me, none of this would have happened...
You would still be with him...
The person whom you love so much...
And yet...

People always say that I am too good...
Too nice to others...
But I beg to differ...
To me...
It seems that I am the cause of all these problems...
If I had not asked you to put on a show with me that day...
Things would not have been like this...
I feel like the bad guy here...
It was because of me that I caused you two to break up...
And caused you so much stress...
So much unhappiness...
I know that you would be so much happier without me around...
And because of this...
I will slowly let go of everything...
I am willing to do so not because I no longer love you...
It is because I want you to be happy...
That's all...

They told me that you still do not know what you want...
And since you don't...
Let me help you...
And when I say help...
I do not mean to literally it...
What I mean is that I won't give you any other options...
But to go back to the way things were back before you did not know me...
I would make it in a way that it feels like I no longer exist in your life...
That all these past 2 months were just a dream or a nightmare to you...

243

2010-02-19T02:59:00.002+08:00

Looks like it's another sleepless night for me...
Looks like my insomnia is relapsing again...
Finally able to understand how much it hurts to do things without thinking about the people you care most...
Finally able to understand how much pain I've caused to the people around me...
Finally able to understand that there are so much things that I can never be able to understand...
Finally losing my mind...
Going real crazy...
Sooner or later I might end up in Woodlands resort for the mentally unstable...
Or maybe suffer from depression till a stage whereby I start to lose my sanity...
Feels like my life is falling to pieces...
Really FML...

242

2010-02-16T13:59:00.002+08:00

Finally managed to get a good sleep...
But only able to do it with the help of medications...
And this ain't a good thing...

Miss you so badly...
Really wished that you could care for me more...
Always waiting at my brother's phone to see if you will sms me or not...
Always putting my house phone next to me just in case you call...
Always thinking of you...
Thinking about the times we spent...
Thinking about how much happier you always are when you are not with me...
Thinking about just letting it all go...
Thinking about whether I really am your 'darling'...
Thinking about what this title 'darling' means to you...
Thinking about how much happier you would be if you have never met me...
Thinking about...

241

2010-02-15T13:12:00.002+08:00

Couldn't sleep last night...
Don't really know why...
Now feeling so damn tried...
But at the same time unable to go to sleep...
Thinking too much again I guess...

240

2010-02-14T23:50:00.003+08:00

Just when I thought things would finally change...
All I was left with was disappointment...
Just when I thought I had changed...
But I realised that I have not...
I guess I should fully make use of my freedom less time to the fullest...
Maybe then things might finally change...
What is the real meaning of freedom?
Is it to totally not bother about anything?
Is it to totally ignore?
Is it to totally not care?
I really don't know...

I really hate my feelings...
I really want to be rid of them...
To not be able to feel...
To not be able to get hurt...
To not be able to feel so hurt...
To not be able to feel so depressed...
To not be able to cry...

239

2010-02-10T21:21:00.002+08:00

Really wished that what had happened yesterday was all just a nightmare...
It really was a shock of my life...
Never did I expect it to happen...
And I really regretted it...
Just hope that the people around me who knows what I'm talking about to not continue...
Or at least do not end up in the same situation as I did yesterday...
It will really change your life...

Sorry...
I am really very sorry...
For what I've done...
And all the inconvenience that I have caused...
Sorry to make you worry...
Sorry to make everyone worry...
If I had a chance to redo what I did...
I would gladly make things right...
And I totally regret what I have done...

238

2010-02-08T21:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if the decisions I made were right...
Really wonder if what I've done will change anything...
Really wonder if maybe I did/did not do it will things be better...
If only time could be reversed...
If only every decision I made will always be the right ones...
How good would that be...
How I wish that you could treat me better...
Make me feel that I am needed more then how much I think I am right now...
I know that it's impossible...
For I am not the one you love...
Maybe just the one you like...
And I can never replace the one you love...
No matter how hard I try...
It would just be in vain...

237

2010-02-07T23:20:00.002+08:00

Maybe things might finally be alright...
And yet again it doesn't seem alright...
All I know is that today I made the right decision...
And I'm sure you know what it was too...
And I also found out that you knew about my blog long ago...
Now the question is...
Think it's best to not ask it yet...

236

2010-02-06T01:09:00.003+08:00

I really hoped I made the right decision...
But guess it is already too late to regret...
If only time could reverse...
If only time could stopped at the points where you and I were enjoying the times we spent together...
If only...

235

2010-02-03T22:16:00.002+08:00

The distance between us seems to be getting larger...
And I don't know what to do anymore...
I really don't want to lose you...
But it seems that it's just in a matter of time...
I really don't want to give up...
But I think that it is not possible...
I know that you still love him...
That you still think of him...
If you are happier with him then with me then I have nothing left to say...
Just hope that he loves you more then I do...
All I can say is that I will always be there for you...
No matter what...

2nd Feb

2010-02-02T11:14:00.002+08:00

Hmm...
I've decided that on every 2nd of each month I will force myself to blog even if I have nothing to write...
Don't ask me why...
I just feel like doing it...
Lots have happened these past few days...
Many things that I did affected who I am today...
And the people around me changed along the way...
Sometimes I wonder if I made the correct decisions along the way...
The things that I did always seem so wrong to me...
But what's done is done...
It can't be undone...
So I'll just have to live with it...
And make sure that I wont make the same mistakes again...

I don't know what I should do anymore...
I am so confused...
I am so lost...
But I know that my feelings for you are true...
And that it will not change...

233

2010-01-29T23:07:00.002+08:00

Today was a day filled with mixed feelings...
Happiness...
Then sadness...
Then frustration...
Followed by sadness again...
Then loneliness...
And finally happiness again...
But that happiness was short-lived...
As usual...
And like all other days...
Today ended with me getting upset as usual...
It seems that some things just won't change...
No matter how hard I try...
My efforts are always in vain...
Sometimes I really feel like just giving everything up...
But when I do...
I will regret...
I don't want to regret anything...
So I shall stay strong and continue to wait...
Continue to wait and hope that one day you will see...
See that I had always been there...
Caring for you...
Supporting you...
Loving you...

232

2010-01-29T00:01:00.002+08:00

Cried like hell just now...
Not too sure why too...
Thought that by doing what I did then could make me happier...
But it turned out otherwise...
I knew something was wrong...
So I called my brother to accompany me...
Little did I know that I would cry everything out...
I remembered asking my brother why I cried...
And I kept repeating it over and over again...
That was round one...

When I thought that I would not cry anymore...
I went back to the others...
And I kept saying I did not know why I cried like that...
Then I they told me...
I had too much "Fan Nao"...
And I sort of agreed to it...
I then played the song I sent to you...
The song that you said reminded you of your ex...
And upon hearing it...
I cried again for the second time...
Though it was not as bad as the first one...
It was still very bad...

Really sorry...
Sorry to everyone that was there...
Sorry to my brothers...
Sorry to my friends...
And especially sorry to my darling...
I really did not expect this to happen at all...
And because of me everyone went home late...
Really sorry to everyone...
And also...
Thank you everyone...
For being there for me...
For being there to calm me down...
For being there when I needed you the most...
Hope that this would not happen again...

The reason for me acting like I did might be because of a few things...
But I am not too sure of the reasons myself...
But I think that it might be because of all the sadness I felt being bottled up...
There are lots of unhappiness which I want to say but can't...
And even if I did say them out...
Nothing changed...
Everything always revert to the way they were the very next day...
No matter what I do...
Everything seems to be in vain...

231

2010-01-25T22:39:00.003+08:00

I do not care about your past...
Your past has nothing to do with me...
I love you for who you are...
Not what you have done...
I do not care what others might say or think about you...
For it is you I love not them...
Their opinions on you means nothing to me...
I will believe what I see and what I hear only from you...
No one will be able to change that...
I might get upset at first...
But I will get over it...
The truth is always shocking...
But the shock will never last forever...

No matter how long it takes...
I will wait for you...
I just hope that you will realise that I am always there for you...
As you said...
Being your darling is forever...
I hope that it's true...
But I just can't stand thinking that you might like someone else...
And compared to SOME people...
We don't seem to be as close...
I know that the gap between being your darling and being your stead is huge...
But I still wish to close up that gap until I can truely be together with you...
I want to get closer to you...
I want to get to understand you better...
I want to love you better...

230

2010-01-20T12:40:00.003+08:00

What are dreams?
Are dreams just images of the heart?
Or are they things that might happen in the near future to come?
Then what are nightmares?
Images of things that you are most afraid of?
Or hallucinations caused by the sub-concious?

I had a dream last night...
Something that I really wish would happen...
A dream that was quite real to me...
And yet so unreal...
Dreamt of something that would never happen...
But just being able to dream about it made me happy..
If only reality was like a dream...
How good would that be....

229

2010-01-13T23:05:00.003+08:00

Man...
Really in loads of shit...
Haven't been going to school lately...
My lecturers have been looking for me...
And now they even tagged on my tagbox...
Lecturers and classmates, don't get me wrong...
It's not that I don't like it...
It's just that it surprised me that's all...

Been really depressed lately...
You really seem to love to lie to me...
Now I don't even know if I can trust any words you say anymore...
You keep telling me that it's the last time...
But everyday there will always be one more last time...
I am really sick and tired of hearing it anymore...
I told you that I don't care about it anymore...
But I still do...
When I say ok... Go do it...
Deep in my heart I really wanted to say no...
But I can't do it...
I am still just a friend to you...
I have no rights to stop you or anything...
I can only advise you...
It was just today...
It is really one of the saddest days of my life...
I felt completely crushed by the things that you did...
Really donno why you want to do it so much...
Haiz...

228

2010-01-10T23:12:00.004+08:00

Well... Haven't been blogging for the past few days...
Lots of things happened...
But can't really say them out...
Mostly non-school related...
As always...
Getting myself into trouble and deep shit...
Getting myself depressed and fustrated...
Getting worried over the people that are close to me...

I know that you might not be able to see this...
But if you ever do...
This part is meant for you...
I will always be there for you...
Always be looking over you...
Although your promises to me are never kept...
But I don't really care...
All I want is for you to be happy and know what you are doing...
If what you are doing now is wad you really enjoy and want to continue then I will not stop you...
But as you know it is not good...
So I will be there to help you kick that habit...
If that is what you want...
I will never leave you...
Unless you want me to...
I love you...

227

2010-01-04T22:16:00.003+08:00

Man... Damn shag...
Apparently din't come back really late today...
So cool...
Lmaos...
First day of school for 2010...
No difference for me...
Cuz... Well... Its not the start of a new school term that's why...
How I wish I was back in secondary school...
Back then today would have been the first day of school for the level that you are in...
Well... Then again...
I am so gonna love this year!!!
3 more months before I'm 18!!!
WOOO!!!
Time to prepare for my motorbike license xD
Wahahahaha...
Really cant wait for it...

Went to find you today at your school...
Before your school started you said that you were afraid...
But I was unable to do anything...
I was no where near you...
All I wanted to do was to be next to you and tell you that everything would be ok...
And in the end, you left the school looking rather happy...
When you told me you missed you ex...
I felt real depressed...
And when you went to find your friend...
The one who liked you for over 2 years, I felt worst...
That was why I acted that way...
I really wanna tell you that I like you...
But now's just not the time...
I duwanna to end up having people talking behind your back saying that you are a flirt...
This is one of the main reasons why I can't tell you what I really wanna say now...
All I wanna do now is to be with you everyday...
The way things are...
We are just like an unofficial couple...
Just waiting for the right time to make it official...
Really hope that the time will come before everything falls apart...

226

2010-01-04T00:12:00.003+08:00

Man... Late for 2010 new year greeting by 4 days WAHAHAHAHAS...
OMG man...
Well...
Too bad xD
Happy new year!!!
Hahas...
Hope that this year will be a better year then last year...
Last year really sucked...
Except for the part where I got to get to know new friends xD
Well...
Really screwed up last year...
My studies is now like shit...
Donno how I'm gonna pick everything up within this next 2 to 3 weeks...
If I dun do so...
Hoho...
Jia lat liaos...
Can say GG to me...

Found someone else...
Someone much better then the previous one...
Someone whom I never expected to end up liking...
It all started just by acting out a show...
But now... It's getting more and more real...
Don't know if she will like me back...
All I know is that when I like someone, I will want them to be happy...
No matter what...
But I won't give up on her...
Not like how I gave up on the other one...
This time I will make sure I do my best...
And if it doesn't succeed...
I just hope that the one she chose will love her more then me...

225

2009-12-30T23:24:00.003+08:00

Today...
Din't go to school...
Pei my brother and friends all the way...
Went to see doctor...
Get MC...
Then waited like an idiot for 40 mins at the pharmacy...
Reason?
CUZ I DIN'T KNOW GOTTA PUT THE RETARDED PRESCRIPTION IN THE BASKET AT THE COUNTER BEFORE WAITING FOR MY TURN...
FUCKING SIGN!!!
SO GOD DAMN SMALL!!!
RAWRS!!!
Ki siao liao =.=
Ended up coming up with lame things...
Freston kept saying his name was Robert...
Followed by chinese name is Ri La...
And Sername is Goh...
So when placed together...
Robert Goh Ri La...
What does it sound like?
ROBERT GORILLA!!!
Kept laughing non-stop at the pharmacy...
Got feeling the people there must have thought we were crazy...
Wahahahahas...

Decided..
Good bye it is...
No point holding on to things that will never be yours...
Its time to move on...
Time to go back to how things were...
Time to forget...
Time to start anew...
And I will never regret the choices I've made...
Nor will I go down the same path again....

224

2009-12-27T19:33:00.006+08:00

Too lazy to blog again...
Din't have much time to blog anyways...
Been out almost everday from morning till night...
And only reaching home like the next morning just to sleep awhile...
Then out again the next morning...
Really damn tired now...
Hahas...

Guess its time to give up..
But how should I do so...
Should I still be your friend?
Or just cut all contact...
Continuing to hold on to this will only just tear me up apart...
But letting go just dun seem to be possible...
What should I do....

223

2009-12-13T23:33:00.003+08:00

Man... Lots of things happened this past one week...
Been out alot...
Had tests...
Dint know that last week was test week...
Went to school on Monday just to find out that it was test week...
What a freaking waste of my time...
Went to friend's chalet...
Argued with mother...
Stayed over on tuesday...
Went out till really really late for the next few days...
Argue with mother again...
And more stuff happened...
Really pissed off with one event...
Really feel like whacking the culprit...
Maybe will get to do it soon...
I hope...

Was really upset with what she did that day...
Really could not stand what she did with other guy in the cinema...
I left the cinema not because of the reason you heard...
It was because I just could not stand it any longer...
What happened the next night really ticked me off...
And yet I feel so helpless...
I was not there...
Not there to protect you...
The worst thing was that I was not able to comfort you when you cried...
Afterall...
I'm just a friend...
Nothing more...
Nothing less...
And with that said...
Whatever I am able to do is all so limited...
There are so many things I wanna tell you...
So many things I could have done to help you stop crying if I was not just a friend...
All I can do is to prevent anything similar from happening again...
And this time I will be there to protect you...

Post 222

2009-12-06T00:48:00.003+08:00

Haiz... Finally blogging...
Dun really have much time to blog anymore...
Forever outside...
Gotta go to school...
Gotta work...
Gotta meet friends...
So much things to do...
Recently keep falling sick too...
Cuz not enough rest...
Haiz...
Gotta go to work tomorrow too...
Sians...
Cant get to meet my friends...
Haiz...

The feeling is getting worst...
Looks like I've really fallen for her...
Really hate it...
The feeling of wanting to see her and yet not wanting to...
Wanting to talk to her and yet not wanting to...
Man...
This feeling really sucks...
And to make matters worst...
I know that I will never ever be liked by her...
Knowing that I am not who she is looking for...
Having known this and yet still longing for it to not be true...
Such a fool I am...
Even if she doest like me...
I wont chase her...
Cuz if things do go wrong...
Lots of things will be affected...
Haiz...
What should I do...

Happenings...

2009-11-28T01:58:00.002+08:00

It's been such a long time since I blogged...
Starting to feel real lazy to blog...
Hahas...
Don't really have the time to blog too...
Been out till real late lately...
And once I reached home...
A straight KO...
And there I go to dreamland...
Hahas...
Found a job finally!
Gonna be really busy next week...
The only days which I am not working next week is Wednesday and Saturday...
Man...
Gonna be so dead...
After next week its gonna be more relaxed...
Hahas...
Suddenly feel really lazy to go to work though it's next week...
The thought of going to work makes me excited/nervous/scared and also regret...
The regret part is cause I can't hang out with my friends next week...
So sad...
Haiz...

All of a sudden I am starting to feel again...
The feeling of liking someone...
Why...
Why now...
Why do I have to like someone...
And the worst thing is that she already likes someone else...
Someone who I know...
My friend...
To make things worst he is like a brother to me...
And yet again...
If she doesn't like someone...
I don't think I will tell her that I like her...
I duwanna lose a friend if things go wrong...
This feeling really hurts like hell...
All I can do now is act as if nothing is going on...
But I don't know how long I can last like this...

Lazy to blog...

2009-11-20T00:33:00.003+08:00

Been too lazy to blog these few days...
Feeling freaking stressed out...
So many things need do...
Then a lot of problems outside...
Gonna be chased by the men in uniforms soon...
Stupid ass friend...
Basketball lahs...
Do things dun dare face the music...
Really damn basket sia...
Got like 6 quizes on psychology need hand in...
But all donno how to do...
Jia lat liao lahs...
Managed to just finish my Japanese presentation 1...
Heng sia...
Tmr need go school print...
SIANS...

Feeling the pain all over again...
Really wonder why...
All of a sudden just feel all the pain...
Man...
Really can't take it much longer...

Stress arh stress...

2009-11-12T23:13:00.001+08:00

Been feeling real stress lately...
And it's not because of school...
Lately there's been lots of problems in my life...
Now gonna be in deep shit soon...
Thinking of what I should do now...
Worst case scenario...
Err... Dun think I wanna elaborate on it...
All I can say is that it won't be a pretty sight...

Good or bad news?

2009-11-10T02:57:00.002+08:00

Phew... Long day...
Tiring also...
Due to someone...
Had to travel here there here there...
From Pasir Ris to Tampines then back to Pasir Ris then so on and so forth...
Pek chek sia...
OMG...
Haiz...
Might be going to sleep soon...
But who knows...

Wondering if it is good news or bad news...
If I say that it is good news...
Then only I will be glad...
If I were to say that it was bad news...
It would be the opposite...
So just what is it?
Good or bad?
I am no longer sure...

Tonning with Weisen

2009-11-08T00:43:00.003+08:00

Today taunting at friend's house...
So fun sia...
But damn shag at the same time...
But still damn cool...
And yet so tired...
BUT...
Bleahs...
No more buts liao...
Lols...
Well... Cant use comp for too long...
Later tio scolded xD
So...
See ya...

Should I be happy or sad?
I am so confused right now...
Hate this kind of feeling...
Don't even know why I bother to feel this way...
Already knowing that it is not possible between us...
And yet longing for it...
Really hate it...
Damn it all...

Damn... Starting again...

2009-11-04T20:49:00.004+08:00

Damn it...
Its starting again...
This time its much tougher to control...
Don't know how long it'll last this time...
From the looks of things, it's gonna be quite some time...

Just hope that those around me won't get hurt...
Donno what i'll do anymore...
Having headache spells...
Blurry vision...
And sometimes it's so hard to control my hands...

I really hope it is not what I think it is...
Really hope that it won't develop any further...
I duwanna hurt the perople I hold dear to me...

To the person I talked to yesterday...
Try not to worry...
Everything's gonna be ok...
One way or another...
Looks like the little girl I once knew has grown up...
Dun think you'll need my company anymore hehs...
You've already made lots of friends...
So much more then me...
So now its time to put some things behind...
There is no longer a need for me to be there to try and protect you anymore...

Sick... OMG...

2009-10-29T20:59:00.001+08:00

Today suppose go school...
But sick...
Haiz...
Went to see doctor...
Got medicine...
Then take medicine...
Then do nothing...
Then end up like tat lors...
Now typing also donno abt wad...
Donno wad i blogging also...
Must be crap...
LOLs...
Wait till my head clears off first then I come see again...

New spec...

2009-10-27T21:58:00.002+08:00

Finally got my new specs...
Now I am so gonna look like a nerd...
Haiz...
Then somemore hair so short...
Wanted cut color nia...
End up all my hair tio cut...
HAIZ...
Really gonna look damn nerd like...

And as you all can see...
I just started twitting...
Also donno for wad...
Maybe I did it just cuz I got nothing better to do...
Lols... xD

And just now helped cook dinner...
Wah damn touch sia...
Need remember this and that...
Then gotta do this and that if not the food won't be nice...
Jia lat lahs...
Then alot of things need estimate one...
Estimate wrongly = GG liao lors...
Cooking still ok...
Cleaning up is the worst...
Super pek chek OMG mans...
Haiz...
So damn tired now...

Another passing Sunday...

2009-10-25T08:20:00.002+08:00

Today is just another passing Sunday...
So boring...
Haiz...
Nothing to do...
Or should I say I donno what I should do...
Really feel like going out...
But no one to go out with...
Feel like staying at home...
Yet don't want to...
Haiz...
Really donno what to do...

Yesterday... Escape theme park...

2009-10-21T20:38:00.002+08:00

Ok...
Spent yesterday at Escape with cousin and friends...
After school straight away rush there...
Pay about 18 bucks just to enter... OMG man...
Super sian...
So freaking expensive lahs...
Can't tahan the price...
Can cry one sia...
Haiz...
Played there till about 7.30pm...
Quite fun...
But I din't really played much...
Worst of all...
I GOT DAMN WET...
Even after I told them I duwanna take the wet rides...
End up...
Still take...
THEN MY COUSIN MAKE ME TAKE THE RIDE WITH SOME GIRL I DIN'T KNOW!!!
WAH LIEW EH...
SUPER PAI SEH SIA...
Haiz...
Heng I not scared sia...
If not SUPER XIA SUAY SIA...

New school semester

2009-10-19T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today is the start of the school sem...
Quite cool...
Finally able to get out of the house...
Hahas...
Been cooped inside for too long...
Suddenly missed school...
Super omg sia...
Someone like me can miss school hahas...
But at the same time dun feel like going to school lols...
how sia like that...
Damn jia lat...
Haiz...

Wishing for it...
But yet dun want it...
Wonder why...
Maybe is cuz I am just afraid...
Haiz...

Lazy to update

2009-10-14T15:34:00.003+08:00

Man... So damn lazy to update...

Well firstly, before I carry on with my story about Japan...

I would first like to say...

MY FACE GOT A NEW SCAR OMG!!!

But it's a replacement for my mole xD

So that means...

NO MORE MOLE WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaHAHAhjA!!!!

FINALLY!!! WOOO HOOO!!!! Lmaos =.=

Next time then update the pictures of my new found scar xD

Well On to my Japan study trip xD

But instead of writing, I have decided to upload photos instead xD

So here they are~~~

Shrine in Japan

Farm in Japan

scenery in Japan

Japan bus driver xD cute yea? Hahas...

Photo taken on the plane to Japan

And that's all...

Other photos will be added when my other computer is functioning...

Back in singapore!

2009-10-04T22:21:00.002+08:00

Well...
I am back!!!
From Japan...
So damn hot man the weather!!!
First step out of airport and I was perspiring like hell...
Weather damn different sia...
So now I shall blog about my experience in Japan...

25th Sept...
Landed in Japan at about 6am Japan time...
Japan is ahead of Singapore by One hour...
Boarded the couch...
Then rode to Tokyo...
Then walked around somewhere which I forgot...
Then bused to Nagano...
On the way we had a short stop...
AND THAT WAS WHEN I SAW IT!!!
THE ALL MIGHTY CIGARETTES MACHINE!!!
But sadly...
ONLY 21 AND ABOVE THEN CAN BUY!!!
SIAN SIA!!!
OMG MAN!!!
But luckily...
Managed to get someone to help me buy it xD
Hahas...
So I was saved!!!
Then... got back on the bus and continued the ride to Nagano...
Stayed at a traditional looking hotel somewhere in the mountains at Nagano...
Had a great dinner...
And then a bath in a hot spring xD
Hahas...

Ok that's all for today...
Too lazy to continue xD
Hahas...

3rd Day in Japan...

2009-09-28T00:07:00.001+08:00

Finally!
Internet connection in Japan!!!
Wah... Weather in Japan damn shiok...
Hot sun with strong cold wind...
Hahas...
Quite nice...
Lots happened...
But too lazy to update all now...
Shall update all when I get back from Japan...

Going to Japan tomorrow...

2009-09-23T22:00:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow is the day...
The day I leave for Japan...
Time to reach airport: 8.30pm...
Time of departure: Not sure yet...
How long is the flight? 6hrs...
MAN!!!
6 HR FLIGHT!!!!
SO DAMN LONG!!!
OMG...
Donno what to do for 6 hours...
Haiz...
SO GOD DAMN LONG MAN...
Haiz..
Cant really complain...
Japan is like so far away...
Haiz...

Countdown to Japan

2009-09-19T14:23:00.002+08:00

Time to start the countdown...
The countdown for my trip to Japan xD
5 more days...
And I have not even started packing...
LOL...
Donno needa pack wad...
Lmaos...
Gotta start thinking...

Final fantasy addict...

2009-09-12T03:39:00.000+08:00

Ok...
Got my PSP back...
And now addicted to Final fantasy Dissidia...
LOLS...
Play till like crazy...
Super hard man...
Keep losing LOL
Still not used to it...
Buahahaha...
Give me 2 more days...
And I shall own!!!
Waahahaha

Too lazy...

2009-09-08T12:27:00.002+08:00

Too darn lazy...
Super no mood to blog...
LOL...
Cuz I'm just plain lazy...
Buahahaha...
Crazy liao...
Rot too much...
Brain damage liao...
Feel like doing alot of things...
But just one "reason" can make me not feel like doing any of them...
And it is...
I am just too god damn fucked up lazy!
Haiz...
Life is so boring...
What difference will it make even if I did something? xD
My own philosophy...
Life is boring no matter what you do...
So why not just save energy by not doing anything? xD
LOLS...

Holidays... BORING...

2009-08-31T16:09:00.001+08:00

Holidays started...
But damn sian...
Haiz...
So boring till donno wad to blog about liao...
SIBEH SIBEH SIAN!!!

End of the first half of year one...

2009-08-29T00:18:00.001+08:00

Exams are over...
The end of Sem 1...
Omg...
So fast...
Time really flies when you are not studying...
LOL...
Past few days damn stress...
Need rush so much revision in just 1 week...
Like super OMG...
Was like how to study?!
In the end...
Never study...
Haiz...
But I THINK I sure can pass all subjects one...
Hahas...
Like so confident...
Lmaos

What have I done...

2009-08-23T23:41:00.002+08:00

Ok...
Done something real stupid today...
Donno what will happen in the future...
Donno what I done is good or bad...
So much uncertainties...
But one thing is for sure...
Nothing got through...
Still oblivious...
Still not getting anything...
Haiz...
Just hope something will happen soon...

My hair... my god damn hair...

2009-08-22T01:21:00.003+08:00

Haiz...
Cant sleep...
Suddenly alot of memories flooding...
CRAP SIAL...
Fucking retarded...
Anyways...
MY HAIR KENA CUT AGAIN!!!
And now is like so freaking short...
Macham secondary school student like that...
Except that sideburn damn long nia...
My beautiful tail kena cut till nothing left OMG...
Only wanted to cut like half of it off nia...
Sian sial...
Haiz........

Damn tired...

2009-08-18T22:30:00.002+08:00

Wah...
So damn tired...
Did my new roadwork xD (Jogging)
Just started only hahas...
Super tired sia...
Tomorrow sure body ache...
Now stomache...
Jia lat...
Haiz...
So much problems lols...

Cut my hair... OMG...

2009-08-11T20:28:00.004+08:00

OMG...
Went to cut my hair today...
Now the top is like damn short...
Become damn spikey WTF!!!
But fringe, sides and back still long xD
As long as I got my tail can liao xD
Happy enough...
HAs...

This picture dun really show my short hair...

Next time get better photo xD

Falling...

Falling real fast...

But there does not seem to be an end...

Really wonder why...

Just want it to stop...

Rather be dead then to suffer this shit over and over again...

Complete broke down...

2009-08-02T16:18:00.002+08:00

Had a complete break down today...
Finally able to release some of my agony...
But not much...
The pain is just too much...
Trying to let go...
But the past won't let me go...
Stuck between the past and the present...

Really wanna let it all out...
Really wanna be rid of all of this...
Really wanna just end it all...
But nothing I do will ever allow me to accomplish what I want...
Is there anyone out there that can understand how I feel?
What I've been through...
What I'm going through now...
My friends treat what I'm going though as a joke...
No one to rely on...
No one to share my pain with...
Guess I am really alone in this world...

The old me is gone...
No more happiness...
No more smiles...
No more laughter...
No more feeling but pain and agony...
Depression...
Despair...
All that is left...
All that will be...
All that should have been all along...

Cold... So cold...

2009-08-01T00:43:00.003+08:00

Feeling damn cold...
So god damn cold...
On the outside and the inside...
What is this feeling?
Have I finally gone all numb?
COuld it be that I finally lost the ability to feel?
Really hope so...
Can't wait for that moment to come...

Haunted my memories of the past...
Unable to keep them locked up...
Painful memories...
Such unbearable pain I've felt...
Feel like just crying it all out...
But I can't cry...
All I can do is suffer in silence...
As my heart cries out...
Till the sadness is all gone...

Memories of the past...
Some good...
But most bad...
Such a fool I've been...
And yet I have not learnt my lesson...
Still yearn to be loved...
Still yearn for someone to be with me...
Still yearn for the right one...
What is so wrong with me?
Really don't get it at all...
Really need an answer...

I don't know what to believe anymore...
Don't know how to interpret anything anymore...
Don't know what is real and what is a lie...
Should I believe anything you people say anymore?
Cause it just seem so impossible...

I have changed...
I can feel it...
Becoming someone I don't recognize anymore...
Someone that is so not me...
Someone that had been suppressed all these time...
Someone I hate to become...

Need help...
Really need help...
But who can I trust to help me?
Who...

Feeling so used...

2009-07-28T10:24:00.003+08:00

I feel like I am being used...
All my life I have been taken advantage of...
Always being used...
Always going thing for others...
And nothing for myself...
All I've been doing is try to make others happier...
And not caring about myself...
Maybe that's just who I am...
Just too easy to bully...
Maybe that's why all these happened...
All because I am who I am...
Or is it not?

Such a Fool

2009-07-25T18:33:00.003+08:00

I've been such a fool...
Been doing so much stupid things...
Been living in lies...
All my life I've been lied to...
Everything...
Everything anyone have told me were just lies...
None of them true...
No one to trust no more...

Why...
Why me?
What have I done to deserve all this?
Did I ever offended you?
Did I ever do something wrong to you?
If not then why me...
Why all this suffering and pain...
Why...
really want to know...

I've had it...

2009-07-22T16:39:00.002+08:00

Ok... I've had it...
I've have more then enough of it...
This is the final time...
I am never going though this again...
This I promise myself...
No more getting hurt...
No more falling down...
No more starting all over again...
This is it...

So much I wanna do...

2009-07-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

There is so much I wanna do...
So much I wanna say...
But I am never given the chance...
I am always interrupted...
I am always hesitant...
I am always afraid...

I never liked taking risks...
It is not cause I am scared...
I just dun wanna take the chance...
Even though sometimes it is a win win situation...
I am afraid to make the wrong choices...
Cause the consequences are always very dire...

But now...
I am going to take this risk...
I don't know what will happen...
So I won't know the risk...
So here goes...

No matter what happens...
I will always be there for you...
We dun have to be together for me to make sure that you are never sad...
If there is still a chance...
Tell me if you want...
if you dun wanna tell me its ok...
I'll wait for you...
I made a promise to you...
And I will keep it...
No matter what...
I still love you...
I donno wad to do without you...

I hate my life...

2009-07-11T11:40:00.002+08:00

I hate my life...
Really hate it so much...
Sometimes really feel like dying...
Once sat on top the 12th story edge...
Almost did it...
But didn't...
Really wonder why I din't do it...

My two best friends are depression and loneliness...
My stalker is bad luck...
My enemy is emotions...
My life is filled with nothing but trouble and boredom...

Destined to be lonely forever...
Don't really care...
If it is such...
Then so be it...
I am already alone...
I had always been alone...
And will forever be alone...
Unless things change...

What about depression?
Had been depressed since sec 4...
After my first broke up with me...
That was when I knew what depression was...
And ever since then...
I've been real depressed...
And extremely depressed when something bad happens...

I don't show all these out...
Some people might think that I am weak
Some might sympathise me...
But overall...
I hate to show emotions...
Really really hate it...

I might look real relaxed...
But I'm not really...
I am so damn stressed up...
Really find it hard to cope anymore...
Too many things are happening at once...
Cant really take it...
Might end up going insane soon...
Or really jumping down this time...
I really hope that my nightmare would just end...
And that everything will become better somehow...

Real tired...

2009-07-02T23:24:00.003+08:00

Wah...
Today damn tired...
Freaking cab fare 20 bucks!!!
Eat money sia taxi...
Faggot lehs...
Haiz...
What to do...
Too lazy to take bus...
So take cab lors...
LOLs...
Crap sia me...
Retarded to the max...

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

Wah...
Damn stress...
Damn homework website down...
Damn C math 2 work so difficult...
STRESS LAH!!!
Crap sia...
So many things pile up...
Jia lat lahs...
HAIZ...

2009-06-26T12:30:00.002+08:00

STOP SPAMMING MY TAGBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Confusion all over...

2009-06-23T00:14:00.003+08:00

The wound is starting to heal...
But a scar is starting to form...
tryin to move on...
But the pain is just too much...
Really need someone to lean on right now...
Need someone to be there for me...
Is this the feelin of being insecure?
No longer sure of my feelings...

Someone just told me something shocking...
And now a decision to make...
Heistation starts taking over...
The answer is clear...
But I can't seem to make a choice...
Duwanna feel this all over again...
It really sucks...
And i hate it a lot...
And the worsen things...
There are complications...
And if I did make a choice...
It could result in some dire consequences...

Really sorry that I am taking so long...
It's just that I am not sure if I can take it...
I'm afraid that I might break down if things dun go right...
Hope that you'll understand...
And if I take too long then please dun wait...
I duwanna waste your time...
I ain't worth the wait...

I'll try to give you an answer as soon as possible...
And I hope that if i do its a right choice...
Duwanna lose another friend if things go bad...
Already lost too many...
And friends are real important to me...
I'll give an answer as soon as possible i promise...

Holidays... Boring like hell...

2009-06-17T14:54:00.002+08:00

Well...
Holiday is almost over...
Not much different from normal school day actually...
Only diff is that on school days need go school...
So sian...
Or maybe it's just cause I'm like that...
HAIZ

Been almost 3 weeks...
But I still can't let go...
Still dream of her...
Think of her...
But now...
She's just a sister to me...
Can't seem to accept that...
But that is the truth...

Tryin to move on...
But the road just seem to get longer and longer as I moved on...
That will be when I realised that the road is leading me in circles...
Never being able to move on...
Always playing the same scenes over and over again...
Always remembering the past...
Always wondered if starting it was the right decision...
For because of it...
Things started to shake...

Tryin to go back to the start...
But the startin line is just too far away...
Tryin to move forward...
But the finish line does not seem to exist...
Caught in a race with a start but no end...
Sometimes I wonder why do I feel sad...
Is it because I'm alone?
Or is it because I know I can't have her...

All the pain and the sorrows that I've felt...
Removing them by smoking...
Not the best way...
But the most effective for me...
Whatever I have felt cannot be compared to how much i've loved her...
For to really love someone is to bring them happiness at the cost of anything...
And that includes knowing when to let go...
No reason to hang onto someone who will never be happy with you...
You feel good but they don't...
What's the point in that?
This is what I believe in...
A personal rule that I will follow...
And because of it...
I can never be happy...
But I will feel good about myself...

Just hope that one day...
Everything could just change...
Hoping that my life would be better...
Hoping that I can feel hapiness again...
And...

Depressed... And down with migrant...

2009-06-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

Argh...
Head damn pain...
Heart damn pain...
But head hurts more...
kena migrant...
Missed my test yesterday...
Jia lat...
Fished up mirgant...
Now my freaking eyes damn pain...
Jia lat lahs...
Scared go blind...
Haiz...
Super super pain and depressed...
Trying not to be...
But its like so difficult...
Guess I have to take it step by step...

All over... Emotional Day...

2009-05-29T20:43:00.002+08:00

Well...
Its all over liaos...
Cried the whole night...
Emo the whole of today...
Everything I've done today was so zombie like...
Trying to fake a smile...
But can't seem to do it now...
It seems to be tougher to fake a smile now then usual...
The always hyper-active me has seemed to die down for now...
All my walls have fallen...
All that is left is the me that I do not let people see...
The helpless side of me...
The side that is always emotional...
The side i hate to show...
I usually do not show emotions...
I am afraid of my emotions...
Not all... But some...
Now they are all showing...
And I don't think I can keep them locked away any longer...

Lost cause...

2009-05-28T21:31:00.002+08:00

A note to myself...
1)Useless
2)Worthless
3)Hopeless
4)A total moron
5)Small
6)Weak
7)Timid
8)Act tough but useless on the inside
9)Screwed up life
10)Cursed for life

~well...
~Its all over liaos...

Bored... Bored... And even more bored...

2009-05-27T22:46:00.004+08:00

Today damn sian...
Super super bored...
Bored till cannot bored anymore...
Haiz...
Play comp until super sian...
SO DAMN BORED!!!

~Just 1 more day...
~Can't wait...

Sick... Haiz...

2009-05-25T21:19:00.003+08:00

Today...
Woke up to go to school...
But fell sick...
So ended up not going...
Went to see doctor later in the night...
30 bucks just to see the damn doctor...
Robbery sial...
Haiz...
Now at home...
Resting...
Hope tmr won't sick...
HAIZ...

~Soon...
~real soon now...

Yet another siansational day...

2009-05-22T21:51:00.003+08:00

Haiz...
Suppose to go to school today...
But woke up late...
So ended up not going...
Wanted to find my bro...
But another fren told me they are already going back soon...
So ended up not going... again...
Wanted to find someone...
But then that person already left for home...
So also ended up not going...
HAIz...
So sians...
And just found out that the TV more important then me...
HAIZ...
So now emo-ing at a corner of my room...
Haiz...
Well...
Going back to emo-ing nows...
HAIZ!!!

~6 more days...
~Soon...
~But not yet...

Bored to the max...

2009-05-21T22:23:00.006+08:00

Wanted to go school at 1pm and end school at 2pm...
But fren called me and ask me go for class...
Haiz...
So just go...
Then after school went to Sim Lim Square...
Walked around the whole god damn building...
Just to collect some price lists...
Retarded sia...
Then went to bugis...
Walk abit then go off liaos...
Went home...
Fren called me out...
So left house like zombie like that...
Then kena bully...
HAIZ...
After that bro ask me meet him at home...
Then go back WS for dinner...
WAH SO SIAN...
WALK SO MUCH!!!
Haiz...
After that went home...
Scratch till face bled...
Then found out my ear got cut...
Retarded sia...
No wonder my ear so pain when i touch it...
Haiz...

~1 more week...
~Hope that time will fly faster...

WAH STRESS SIA!!!

2009-05-19T20:42:00.001+08:00

SUPER STRESS!!!
OMG!!!
EVEN FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME CAN TIO STRESS!?!!!
OMG!!!
JIA LAT LIAO!!!

So many projects...
So much homework...
So many people rushing me...
Jia lat lahs...
So much things to do...
So little time...
Jia lat liaos...
Haiz...
Tmr after class still need chiong to Sim Lim to do research...
Haiz...
Suddenly so many thing popping out...
HAIZ!!!

Life is just plain BLEAH!!!

2009-05-16T00:30:00.002+08:00

Life is just so sian...
Super boring...
Play games sian...
Go school sian...
Working sian...
Do homework sian...
Go out sian...
Everything also sian...
Haiz...
Sian jiu shi sian...
Esp today...
Feeling super super sian...
Also donno why...
Play comp like wanna die like tat...
Go out super tired...
Do thing also ai si ai wa like tat...
Haiz...